The Double Standard

Being an infertile, we deal with many issues. We can be described as emotionally volitile, judgemental and some people will tell you that they simply don't know how to approach you about any of it. They don't know how to talk to you or ask questions. They simply don't understand. There is a clearly drawn line in the sand and there are two sides: those who suffer from infertility and those who don't. There are no grey areas. You either suffer from it or you don't. You can't just sorta kinda deal with it. Doctors won't look at you for infertility until 12 months of actively trying with no results. Then you start the tests and the doctors visits and the sperm count. Then you see specialists. You see urologists, fertility doctors, gynocologists. You get poked and prodded by doctors. You get sent for unending tests. And you do this willingly. You would do this all 10 times over if it meant that you could just get pregnant.

Then you run into people at the grocery store, or movie theatre or at work and they might be a good friend or a friend of the family, a cousin or aunt, or even someone you went to school with. You stop to talk to them for a few minutes. They ask if you are married, or ask about your husband and your family and then that dreaded question comes and you can't prevent it: "So any children yet?" And you wince when you hear it. You answer with a simple, "No" or "Not yet" and then the questions start. You can't avoid it and you can't walk away before it gets bad. Questions like: Well, why not? Are you waiting for kids? Don't you wanna give your parents grandchildren? What's the holdup? Do you want children? X has 2 kids now, and shes younger than you.

And then you want to cry or scream or tell them to fuck off. Cause, its not their business anyway. They are saying it in conversation. They are not looking to hurt you, they are just curious. Then you have to formulate a response that doesn't actually tell them the details and your pain and let them know that they just stepped on your heart. So you say, oh yeah were trying its just not working yet. Some will push for more information until they make you uncomfortable enough to just blurt out that you are having fertility issues. Others figure it out before it gets to that point and they try to back track. Then they offer the apology coupled with the useless advice cause they think that will make everything better. "Well, have you tried this? or this? or this?" or "Well just relax, it will happen when its meant to happen." And then you are angry cause they really don't get it. They ask about adoption, sperm donation, egg donation, offer doctors, offer their tried and true tricks and spout off everything they have ever read about trying to conceive. And they think that because they themselves didn't get pregnant on the first try that they have the knowledge and know-how to give advice. Its a trainwreck. Where if they just said, "I'm sorry I didn't know, if you need to talk, I'm here" could have sufficed?

Then you find someone else who is suffering too. You meet them in online forums, local support groups, at doctors offices or you have a friend suffering too. And in any other circumstance, you wouldn't have anything to do with them. But they understand your pain like so few do so you have that connection and a friendship grows.  Then you find yourself talking to these people about things you held in deep inside you and buried. Then something happens and these people ask questions. Similar in fashion to the questions "the others" have asked but its ok. You don't hide from the questions. They seem less harsh cause they seem to have the understanding behind the questions and they don't make those stupid mistakes that "the others" make. They ask about doctors, they ask if you have tried X, Y and Z. They ask about your thoughts on adoption, sperm and egg donation. They ask about very personal information about you and your spouse and you willingly give the information. They offer doctors and specialists, fertility clinics and all their tricks. And you gobble up this info like its the cure for cancer and hold it close.

So why the double standard? My mother can't offer her support or offer help without me potentially biting her head off for it, but a stranger on the internet can offer same support and help and I eat it up like candy. This double standard exists. Some days its blantantly obvious in my own life. My mom and friends can't help me no matter what, I grow frustrated and change the subject, but my online supports can tell me the same thing and I'm grateful for it. Yet, I'm sitting here wishing my mom and friends understood but then feel badly about it cause I don't want anyone to feel how I feel about this. This pain is hard enough, they don't need that.

We are a small group of people who seem to find support in sharing our pain. It's like one of those secret clubs that you need a password for. And if you haven't been there, you never will be.

I don't think people realize...

...how hard it is to congratulate someone on the birth of their child.

For someone who is dealing with everything that I have had to deal with, I really don't think people realize how difficult it is for me to watch you get pregnant so easily, have such an easygoing pregnancy, and a short easy going delivery. And you don't know how hard it is for me when you decide to plaster the internet with pictures of your child. I also don't think you know how genuinely happy I am for you. But that the pain and emptiness that I feel at every picture or status or post makes it hard for that happiness to show through. I really am happy for you. And it took me 2 days to get the will power to post a congratulations without sobbing into my keyboard. Everything comes so fucking easy for you and I'm always struggling. Why can't I get a break for once?

Not only are we dealing with infertility, but C's meds have stopped working and has affected him emotionally and hes suffering from bad panic attacks and a severe depression. And now they are ramping him up on different meds to see if this will make any difference. The infertility and the fact that he is blaming himself for my unhappiness because this is all male factor does not help the situation, it only makes it worse. And for the record, I don't blame him for these problems but he is just now feeling the pain that I have felt for the past 2.5 years. He's now feeling the absence in our life and feels that we need a child to fill that void. We have found a house to buy (my childhood house that my parents have decided to give to us because they have decided to build a smaller home for themselves)  and the rest of the other issues we wanted settled before we bring home a baby are working out and they are all falling into place like we need them to.

Sometimes you just wish you had that person's life. Sometimes you just want a break from your own life. But everyone (myself included) is always so wrapped up in their own life that they forget that other people are suffering for what you have and take for granted. And to those who wish they had aspects of my life and have pain because of it...I'm genuinely sorry that I'm too wrapped up in my pain to see yours.

xoxo
K

I really need people to stop talking about it

I know this is a rather large "its all about me" statement, but whatever. But please people, stop talking about pregnancy. Stop posting about it. Stop telling me about it. I know you just had your baby, but the pictures are killing me. I feel broken. I want that so bad that I'm literally aching inside. I don't know if I want to be sheltered from it or told and left to deal with it on my own. I'm a glutton for punishment, so of course I'm gonna look and then regret looking. I just feel like this will never happen. Its another week and still no word from the Urologist and we can't get through to them.

Then another friend decided to put me on her filtered list of people who she will post to about TTC. This is not helping. I know she wants to keep me in the know cause she considers me a friend she can trust and share this stuff with. I feel bad, but I can't bring myself to read it, let alone post it. I'm trying to find a way to say, thank you for considering me a close enough friend to share this with but I'm too caught up in my own fertility issues that reading about you trying to conceive is physically and emotionally hurting me. That just makes me sound like a self centered bitch. Where is that line? Why can't I walk it? Why is this so difficult? I don't want to hurt friend's feelings, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I will if I talk about it.

For fuck sakes, I felt I couldn't post this under my own name because I'm afraid of who I will hurt. So I went and created a journal under a fake username so I could get my feelings out without hurting anyone. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I have a baby as easily as everyone else. Why are my emotions all over the place? Why can't the fucking doctors decide to see us? I'm so frustrated, I have no one to really spew this out to at the moment and I'm stuck here, typing it out. I hate how I am so happy for a person but yet have so much jealousy that I hate them too. All I want is what they have. I've done my time. Why can't I have that now. I sometimes wish people could see the full effect that they have on me when it comes to this stuff, but at the same time I hold it as close to my chest as I can cause I don't want to burden anyone else with it. I just....I don't know. My emotions are all over the place. I don't know how to deal anymore.

I need to sleep. Yeah, I'll sleep.

Two of a kind?

So for those not in the know, there are different types of infertility. There's issues with the woman which can be broken down into many different types. There's male factor (no swimmers, low swimmers or swimmers who just aren't swimming). There is also the mysterious "there is nothing physically wrong with either of you to prevent this pregnancy" infertile. C and I are dealing with male factor (he has swimmers, they are just not swimming). 

So I have this "partner in infertility" (as I've taken to lovingly call her). Like me, she is having fertility issues as well. But this friend lands in the mysterious "unknown reasons" category. She's been checked and cleared as healthy. He's been checked and rechecked and hes fine, his swimmers are fine. There is no explanation as to why they are having such difficulty getting pregnant. They have been trying for just about 4 years now. And if anyone understands my issues and heartache, its this girl.

We have been talking a lot lately, hanging out. We were doing some work together for our high school reunion. When plans changed with the other reunion people one night, we went for a drive and just talked. We both really opened up to each other about our issues. And it was a relief to have someone to talk to who simply just gets it. She understand the feelings, emotions, the sudden changes and mood swings and the nights of crying yourself to sleep. She has two siblings, her younger sister has a daugther (and she idolizes that little girl), and her brother has 3 kids and the 3rd child was born on the 11th.

I texted friend about something random and she sent back a simple text: "brother and wife had baby last night, im watching the video of the baby and crying a bit. I feel bad for crying but I can't help it." My heart ached for her. I know that pain. So I send back what I feel: "I understand, its ok to cry. Call me if you need me." I picked her up today to do registration for an event we are doing together and when she got in the car, I asked her how she was doing and asked if she needed a hug. She was fine and thanked me. But told me that having someone to share that feeling with who wouldn't judge her made it easier. And shes right. I can look at her and say, "Ma told me about a highschool friend who's pregnant and she told me on the day my period started" and she just knows what I mean. I don't have to explain it. She knows and there's comfort in that. It sucks that we both have to be in this situation, but if we have to be in it, at least we have someone we can lean on when it gets difficult.

So today, while we waited in line, we both felt a bit lighter and today was one of the days where this simply was a temporary problem and we could see it as that. So we talked about how we would decorate our nursery's and it didn't hurt cause if one of us went too deep, the other was there to pull us out. Thank you A for making today one of those "this is only a temporary problem" day.

xoxo
K

Ugh...

Another announced pregnancy, another announced birth and both land on the first day of my period. Ugh.

Emotional terrorism. I'm claiming emotional terrorism on myself. I cried for a bit cause my emotions are all over the place. But I got over it. I said fuck it, bought a pack of smokes, went to a girlfriends house where she was having an equally shitty day and we both had a mikes hard blueberry cooler and sat on the step smoking and venting. We were both laughing by the end of it. I think she needed it as much as I did.

I have to say, this friend has 5 children (3 of her own, two of the children are her husband's nieces that they are raising). And these kids are some of the very few kids I can be around when I get in this mind frame. Where people would figure being around any kids would hurt, for some reason with her kids it doesn't hurt. It actually has a positive effect on me. I don't know what it is but it just works. I'm also incredibly close to these kids. I always thought it was because this girl is one of the few who don't actually jokingly offer her kids to me. There is just this laid back feeling when I go there and it helps.

The other piece of news today is that C went to see his doctor again. He got his referral for the neurologist (obviously not related to our infertility) for August. But still no word on the date of our appointment with the Urologist. Apparently when C's doctor checked into it, the local urologist still wants to see C but won't give a date. I think this is bullshit. So we asked for the referral to another doctor we would willingly travel to see. They won't send this referral unless they other urologist would agree to it. But we have the number for the local urologist.

What makes me mad about all this is that I doubt that this urologist will tell us anything different from what we already know and then he will refer us to a fertility clinic and we can take it from there. But we still have to take this step to get to our next step. Here are the hoops we must jump through, there are a lot and they are pointless but you can't pass go til you do it. This is just so frustrating. All I want is to get pregnant and have our child. Why does this have to be so difficult?

I have pet peeves with the internet sometimes

But then again, I guess everyone does. Right?

But sometimes these are big things and other times they are small things. Like facebook. I'm on it, but after realizing that I don't really care what everyone I know is doing at every moment (though I am a bit of a gossip), I cleaned out my list. I keep facebook simple. I do my best not to overshare and leave that either for my online journal with a friends only option or post in this blog where no one knows who I am unless they really try to connect the dots. On my facebook, I have my brother and parents, my inlaws, some of C's relatives (and trust me, hes got a big family and most of them are on facebook), all of my extended relatives who know how to turn on a computer (cousins, aunts, uncles), my friends (both close and not so close) and a handful of other people (some people I graduated high school with 10 years ago that I still keep tabs on even though we aren't really friends but would meet up for coffee if we ran into each other, friends of the family) and finally some of my online friends who I have grown close to over the years. Less than 200 people. Which is low considering both of our families. 

But even out of these people, you get the people who overshare. You know who they are. Chances are you have a few of them on your friends list if you have succumbed to the addiction of facebook. They have their profile set to public, have 1500 friends or some other insanely high number, and they set their statuses to things that make you do the uncomfortable laugh and wonder if you should comment or just pretend you didn't read it. You feel embarassed for them.

Fast foward to tonight. A friend breaks up with her boyfriend. I'm guessing, knowing her, that she posted this right after it happened. Her emotions are high. All she did was change her relationship status to "in a relationship" to "single" and then she takes it to every other internet outlet she uses, including sites like twitter. So another random person uses the like feature to choose to show that she likes this change. The dumped girl, with her emotions still high, states her displeasure in this status action. The other person comes back with a positive statement somewhere along the lines of the many possibilities of a single woman. Nothing mean but the dumped girl comes back with "I'M NOT IN THE MOOD!!"

Excuse me? If you are not in the mood to deal with the fallout of posting such personal information on such a public site, then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU POST IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?? Don't bitch people out because they may have a clearer head than you and try to be positive about the situation. If its that hard to deal with, don't change your status until you are ready to deal with the backlack. I have a friend who had her status set as married for the entire time of her seperation from her husband and didn't change the relationship status til her divorce papers came in and it was official. Her response to why she waited? "It's none of their god damn business. When I'm ready to tell and be able to deal with the responses, I'll post about it. That may be never but if that's the case, then so be it."

I wish more people would practice this. I'm not saying I'm perfect in all of this. When I quit my job, I ranted on facebook of all places. But we all have moments like this. I regret it now but I did it and from that point on, I've dialed it back and left that for a more private audience. And I have to say, this is hard to post. Cause as much as these people sometimes make me embarassed for them, I was raised in a small town. All small towns are bred to be gossip machines and it was raised in me to be a gossip. Its particularly bad when I'm with my girlfriends on my mom and aunt. But I fight against my need to know and the point of "when is too much information really too much information?"

But I'm tired and this happened just as I was about to log off of the internet and I needed to get it off my chest so I don't manage to work it out in my dreams. (cause im sorta bad for doing that, according to hubby of course).

My final thought on all of this: People of the internet, please think before you post and who your posting audience is. It could save you and your friends list alot of frustration. You do your part, and I'll do the best to do my part.

xoxo
K

Here is my open wound. Would you like me to hold it open so you can pour some salt in there?

I'm really starting to think that people really don't think before they act or talk.

I have someone who I communicate with online. She happily posted today that "its been a year since we decided to start trying to get pregnant and I'm about to give birth, how awesome is that?" And I instantly went from good mood to bad mood. She knows who she is writing to. She knows that at least 2 of her friends  (myself and a mutual friend) would die to have kids or hell, in my case, just be glad to get pregnant the old fashioned way. I have made no attempt to hide the fact that we have been trying for over 2.5 years to get pregnant. I've never hid the fact that I'm having difficulty with all this. I have never hid any of these facts. Instead I have to wait for my husband to get an appointment with a urologist which can take 12 months just to get the appointment. Our doctors are overworked here and seeing a specialist takes forever. They won't send us to a fertility specialist until he sees a urologist and while we are willing to travel to see a urologist if need be, they won't send the referral elsewhere until they hear from the first urologist. I think we are simply getting fucked over by the medical system in an area where infertility is a taboo subject that no one talks about.We are getting the run around cause no one wants to deal with this. I'm at the point where I'm simply going to either ask my doctor to see us together while trying to get the ball rolling or just send me a referral to the fertility specialist cause no one else on this fucking planet will.

This is so frustrating. I'm incredibly happy for her. Everyone deserves this happiness, but come on people. Think about who you are writing to and about. Its to the point that I sometimes wonder if these are posted so that they specifically jab at me. I know that is rather self centered of myself to say, but when you are in this boat, its all consuming. Your mind is always on the fact that you aren't pregnant. That you are letting your family down cause you are suppose to be providing grandchildren for them to love and spoil and its the one thing you can't do. Every time someone talks about pregnancy its a jab at you and the one thing that you feel is the ultimate in showing your femininity. It's not them, its you, its all in your head.

I constantly wonder if I'm meant to have kids. I constantly wonder if I pissed someone off or broke a mirror or did something random that is causing me to go through this. I ache everytime I hear that someone is pregnant and most of the time I feel like its me against the world. And today, those words set me off. I know she probably didn't mean it but damn that fucking hurts. It feels like, hey! lets point out that the one thing I'm missing in this world is a child and a pregnancy and we will put it everywhere just to remind you of this constant failure.

I just want to sit in a corner and cry today. I give up on today.

Can People Be Too Supportive?

The answer, simply, is yes.

Yes they can be too helpful and too supportive.C and I are currently having this problem with C's mom. Well both of his parents. See, C was adopted because C's mom had to have a hysterectomy when she was younger than I am now. So because we are having these problems, she feels that she is the only one that truly knows how I feel, and there for, she feels that whatever she is doing is what I need. It's done with love, so I feel guilty. But I can't be told things like, "you need to stick together in all of this or else it will tear you apart". Really now? We haven't even been to the specialist to see what our options are and I'm still processing the original information. We are still trying to sort out our feelings on it. We don't need to be lectured on it. I know she says these things and hounds us because she cares and she worries about us. But I sometimes think she forgets that we are adults and we have to live our life on our own without other people telling us how to and what we should be feeling.

We have hit a point where we have gotten over the initial shock of the news and now that we know we aren't doing anything wrong to prevent this, we are ready to take the next step and work towards us being able to get pregnant and have babies. C talked to his mom and told her as nicely as he could that while we love them both, we feel that they are being over supportive and when we need them we will come to them. He just asked them to let us deal with this on our own instead of calling everyday asking how we are and just overpowering us when we visit. C's mom was clearly upset and C's parents ended up not coming to visit today like they were suppose to, but if it stings her for a bit, then I guess we need to give her space to deal with that too. It is a two way street after all. C asked me if he did the right thing. I told him that yes, he did. I also told him that no matter how long you live away from your parents and prove to them that you are an adult, some things can happen that make moms go into protective mama-bear mode and they feel the need to parent again like they did when you were a kid. Its their way of protecting the child they love. And I stick by what I said. I do not love the woman any less, its just that we have come to a point where our views differ and we have to make the move that's right for us, not what other people think is right for us. We're lucky that this is the first time we have ever had to do that (our relationships are quite close with both sets of parents, when I think of it), and its the first time C has had to stand up to his mom because they have strong differing views on something.

I gave myself the weekend to wallow. I told myself that I would get back to my normal life by Sunday (we found out Thursday) and one of my friends told me that she would give me til Monday before they showed up at my door. By late Saturday night, early Sunday morning, I was ready to stop crying over it and ready to end the depression. Everything I gave up over the weekend, I started to crave again. I missed my friends and the laughing and the gossip and the overall good times that I knew were out there waiting for me. So I got up, dusted myself off, and made plans with my friends. We went to play pool Sunday night. I went out for girls night tonight. I have plans throughout the rest of the week both with hubby and my friends. I'm going to visit my mom tomorrow. I'm living my life. I'm even gonna treat myself to sushi tomorrow when I go to visit my mom. I am lucky in many ways. My friends are as understanding as they can be, but when they don't know how to act or what to say, they simply ask. And the fact that they care enough to ask me what to do means that they just want me to be comfortable. It makes it easier to get back to life after a depression when you know that you have that waiting for you.

I know it won't always be like this. I know the bad days will be there and when I need the days, I'll take them and my friends will understand. And when I need to cry on someones shoulder, I'll have more shoulders to choose from than I can process. But I'm gonna live my life and kiss my husband and still have great sex. I'm gonna do things with my friends and spend time with their children and be Auntie K cause those children's smiles brighten my life, even if they aren't mine. They love me regardless of whether I can get pregnant naturally or not. When my days are bad, those smiles and kisses and hugs will get me through.

Love and Hugs!
K

I get by with a little help from my friends...

So, since I've received the news. I decided that I needed a few days away from my friends. I love my friends but sometimes their helpfulness and what they think will help are actually not helping at all. Sometimes you need to be away from them to simply get your head around things before you bring other people into it.

So this weekend was suppose to be a busy weekend for me. I was suppose to go to a group event the day we found out. I promptly dropped out giving just the bare details and they told me they were there for me when I was ready and let it be. I was also suppose to hang with another friend, whose heart is in the right place, but shes just been through a miscarriage and I think were both still trying to find our footing around each other again (we both have our sensitive moments to stuff and we're both still feeling things out around each other, its a first for both of us). I cancelled plans with her after giving her some of the details and she told me she was there if I needed it.

Which takes me to tonight. Three of my friends are celebrating their birthdays within a 48 hour period and they are all mutual friends so they wanted to celebrate together. There would be drinking and bars. I didn't really want to go, because prior to this new knowledge, I had cut myself of alcohol, most caffiene and cigarettes in hopes that this would help us conceive (well it couldn't hurt, could it?). On top of that, I was also invited to the UFC fight at our mentor couples house. I told everyone not to expect me. I didn't want to get their hopes up cause really, I'm just not in a partying mood. What actually happened? I went to watch the fight and left their early to go and at least say happy birthday to my girls. Which lead me to going to a bar with them, sober on my part, and staying out til 3.

I was scared of the emotions that come with seeing good friends who feel your pain. I didn't want to see that look on their face. You know that look. The "I love you and want to fix this but I don't know how so I'll just look at you like this" look. They started but when I told them not to, they didn't. They hugged me, a couple of tears fell and then we moved on. No one talked about, no one made me feel different. They just caught me up on what I missed so far in the evening. At one point my friend made reference to going home and getting sex from her husband. She looked at me and said, |that didn't bug you did it?" everyone stopped what they were doing, looked at me worried and then I laughed at responded "hunny, I'm having trouble conceiving naturally, I have no trouble getting laid." Everyone promptly burst into laughter and I felt a bit lighter.

My lesson for tonight:

Sometimes friends don't know what to say when bad news strikes. But if they really care about you, they will find a way to make it easier on you. They will help carry that load as much as they can, just so you don't have to bear it alone. And sometimes, this happens in the strangest of ways. Just don't turn your back on it or them.

And like the Beatles said:
"I get by with a little help from my friends..."

Love and Hugs,
K

The Aftermath

So after getting our news yesterday, I went to my parents house and pulled an all nighter to watch the Royal Wedding. I grew up with a mom who loves all things royal and follows the royals, so it's only natural that it rubs off on me. Mom and I stayed up all night and I kept myself busy following that.

But all night I was going through hot and cold phases. One second I'm fine, the next I'm crying. Then I have a game plan, then I'm second guessing myself and crying again.

My friends have been finding out. I told one of them and asked them to pass it onto those that I was suppose to see this weekend. My friends are supportive but they don't know what to say. Then they end up saying things that they think are helpful but in reality, does nothing but make me angry and upset.

C and I have a couple that we hang out with and do stuff together and they more or less have become our mentor couple. We can talk to them about just about anything. C told them over the phone what happened and they invited us up for a bit. C and the other hubby went for ice cream and the girl poured me a glass of wine and we sat out on her step. It was a nice warm night so we just sat there and chatted.

Then she asked me, so how are you? And I answered her honestly. I'm miserable. Then I told her all the details. She let me cry, she let me let it all out. She didn't use any cliche lines, she didn't invade my personal space and she did refill my glass Then when I was done, she looked at me and said, "you need this, don't pretend you don't. Give yourself time to be miserable it's part of tge process and you need a few days to process it all. Don't short yourself on this. So what are you gonna do once you finish getting over the blah feelings and the crying? What's the gameplan?"

Sometimes you have those people that don't try to fix it but still manage to know exactly what to do to help you feel a bit better. I have some amazing friends and they all play their part. Tonight, I'm grateful for her.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

And it all comes crashing down...

So today was the day. The day that changed everything for us.

C went for his appointment at the doctor's to get the results on his sperm count. And it wasn't good. The test showed that, well, the swimmers aren't swimming. He got a referral for a urologist so that we can talk to him, get C checked out and review our options. But more of less, this was the end of our chances of getting pregnant the traditional way.

I know its not the end of the world. I know that the pain is temporary. I know that we have options. But none of that stops the waves of pain hitting us over and over again. If I'm not crying, I'm on the verge of crying. Cause really, deep down, no matter how much I prepared for the worst case scenario, I always thought that it would be me that caused the problems. Not him. I looked up all of my options and prepared myself for it being me, and what we would have to do if it was me. I didn't prepare for it being him. I didn't prepare for the pain it would cause him. He feels like he failed me. That its his fault that this is happening to us. And watching him blame himself is killing me. So not only do I have this empty hole in me that I feel will never get fulfilled, but now I'm carrying his guilt too.

I don't know how to deal with this. My emotions are everywhere. I want to push through this so that I can move on and find a way to make this happen. As much as this hurts, we do have options and we have an end goal. WE WILL HAVE A CHILD. No matter what. Even if it means that I may not be able to physically give birth to a child, then we will adopt. I'm not afraid of adoption, but it's not my first choice because I want to feel a child grow in me. So I will do anything I have to do to feel that child grow in me, and if we have exhausted every option, then we will adopt.

But I feel like a failure. I feel like we are letting everyone down. And as great as my friends are, they can't take this pain and these feelings away. I get so angry that people can just get pregnant without a problem yet I want it so bad and we have so many problems. Crack whores and other women can get pregnant by accident, yet I'm crying myself to sleep every night cause we're still not pregnant and I feel like something is truly missing from my life. This pain is just so all encompassing that I can't get a grip on it. I feel lost and like no one can possibly understand whats going on in my life. I know I'm not alone, but at the time it happens, you feel like we're all alone in this. And I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

I just feel like I'm carrying this big weight on my shoulders and the weight gets bigger and bigger and it just keeps getting harder to keep going. I feel like I'm drowning in these feeling and I just can't catch my breath.

I just feel lost. Why us? Why can't we have what everyone else has no problem with. Why does this have to be so damn difficult?

A Case of the Holiday Blahs

Happy Easter to my friends and family celebrating the holiday today!

It's Easter Sunday morning, C is gone to work and I'm lazing on my couch watching Reba and drinking a cup of green tea. I'll be going to my parents for supper but something is off, I feel like something is missing. Dad is home for Easter, for once. My brother is in Edmonton this Easter and is probably hung over today, if hes not on site working. We visited the inlaws shortly last night. There are no gifts, no getting ready for mass, none of the normal stuff that comes with Easter. And while I'm pretty sure that I'm having the morning that most parents wish they had, I don't want it.

I miss the time when the holidays (all holidays) had a special spark to them. The spark that comes with a child's joy and wonder. It feels like something is missing and as I sit here and reflect, I know its the laugh and joy of a child. The happiness of kids hopped up on chocolate, while I would be in the kitchen with both of the moms learning to make my first Easter turkey dinner while the dads and my husband take the kids outside to play with their toys. I want to see my 4 grown strong men trip over themselves trying to forsee every move of the child.

I feel this every major holiday. Christmas Eve isn't as fun as it used to be. There are still gifts and traditions, but no kids around to spoil and celebrate the holiday with leaves me feeling empty. I want children so that I can incorporate the traditions we have now with a little ones. Than there's Thanksgiving, that we really don't celebrate. Dad usually works away, and me and mom don't make a big deal about it. We just don't celebrate the holidays like we used to. And I miss it.

So today we have a bit of the Holiday blahs going on. I'm on my second cup of tea, cross stitching and playing some computer games. I'm just resting, relaxing and wishing I had what so many people have today. Hello pity party, table of one please?

Love and Hugs,
K

The Things They Never Tell You

So last night I had a major breakdown.

I have so much going on in my life outside of our troubles with getting pregnant. I have a dying grandfather, issues with my job and our new bitch of a boss, C and I are fighting alot. And I just broke down.

I left the house, went for a walk and came home to a husband who was pissed at me for taking off. We had a very long heart to heart about TTC. He didn't seem to understand the emotional roller coaster that is my body is going through. I purely ache to my very core every month when I get my period, again. I feel lost, alone and like a part of me is simply missing and I can't feel complete until that piece is found. C can understand the intellectual side of it, but he has trouble with the emotions I'm feeling. He has promised to make a bigger effort so that I don't feel so alone in all of this.

But in dealing with all of this, I came to a realization: <b>No one tells you about this.</b>

I was raised Catholic. I was married in a Catholic church. But to be married in a Catholic church, we are required to attend a marriage prep course. It lasted over 3 days. Day one was a talk from a priest about the ceremony itself and what marriage means to our religion. The rest of the day, we talked to a couple that was married for 40 years and they talked about the ups and downs of their marriage. The couple had no problems with getting pregnant so it never came up. Day 2 we had talks from an insurance broker, a lawyer who talked to us about living wills. The final day was a meeting with a catholic couple who practices Natural Family Planning.

There were many problems with this. While the lawyer could have talked to us about stuff like adoption and adoption laws, he didn't. He talked about living wills and that was it. He had some handouts on who to talk to about adoption. And the NFP couple could have been a great success but they weren't. They talked to us about charting but they talked to us about it in a way that didn't explain how to use to to procreate, but rather as a form of birth control that is sanctioned by the church. It was all about preventing pregnancy until you were ready.

During this entire mandatory event, not one person talked about what happens if you have trouble getting pregnant. What would have been helpful was if someone was there to share their story with infertility. No one bothered to tell us that it might take a while to get pregnant. No one told us about the options and whats available, what support is available, or even the options if pregnancy is not possible. And no one told us about the emotional toll TTC would have not only on each of us seperately, but on our marriage as a whole. No one talked about living life childfree by choice or by lack of choice. No one talked to us about adoption, and what knowledge I do have, is from my husband and his family because C was adopted as a newborn. His mother had a hysterectomy when she was younger than I am now, she had no choice. And her resources were limited.

The big issue with this? Its not that its only because its a religion based event, but this information isn't readily available anywhere where I live. It still feels like a taboo topic. No one talks about their inability to get pregnant. No one tells you the emotions that you feel when you watch all of your friends get pregnant. No one tells you how you feel like you are left behind and you cry yourself to sleep each night. No one tells you about the motions and emotions that you go through everytime you get your period. No one tells you about the empty feelings and the how you feel like less than a woman the longer you go without getting pregnant. No one tells you how to react to "kind words" and "advice" from people who think they know how you feel and think they understand what you are going through when they don't have the slightest clue cause they had no problem getting pregnant. No one ever tells you about this, no one prepares you for this. You feel all of this and think its only you. You feel like something is wrong with you, that you are faulty or broken. No one prepares you for depression and the fact that your friends try to understand but they just cant and that leaves you feeling even more alone and lost and deepens the depression. I have to ask around to get any information about my "options". And honestly, I feel more comfortable talking in private with my friends (who can only take so much of this talk before it gets old) and talking about it on the internet and reading others blogs and stories. Is this what its like everywhere or is it just my little area of the world still suck in the stone age of fertility talk?

I wish there was more information about this. But not just for me. I know I'm not the only woman out there dealing with the emotional side effects of having difficulty trying to conceive.

But these are they things they never tell you.
They never warn you about this...

An Introduction To Our Life

So I came about this idea for a blog one night while I couldn't sleep. It's not like I don't already have an online journal, but those friends are vast and have varying lifestyles that differ from mine. And while they are supportive, they know the real me. And as much as you care about someone, if they keep talking about the same thing over and over again, then it can get annoying or exhausting. And really, they don't understand. Honestly, I didn't want to put them through that. I need a place where I can only talk about my issues, feelings, and all things related to me and my husband and our difficulties in trying to get pregnant.

So a little background.

Hi, I'm K, I'm 28 and I'm from a little place on the east coast of Canada. I met my husband almost 8 years ago. We worked together and were set up by a co-worker. By our second date, we knew that we wanted to go steady with each other. We were together 4 years when he proposed to me. We moved in together within a few months of getting engaged. We were engaged 2 years when we got married in a big wedding. This September will mark our 2 year wedding anniversary.

We have three cats who are our furchildren. We knew before we got engaged that we wanted a family. C is an only child and I have one brother who loves his bachelor lifestyle. We are the only ones to provide grandchildren to our parents. And they have been ready for grandchildren since long before our engagement was announced. Our parents, while anxious to be grandparents, are incredibly supportive of us. They know that we are having trouble trying to conceive.

About four months before our wedding, C and I decided that we were ready to start trying for children. We knew that it probably wouldn't happen overnight so what was so wrong with starting before the wedding. We've been trying since then to get pregnant with no success. While this isn't the end of the world, its a little disheartening. We were not the only ones in our group of friends and family to get married at this time and everyone who has gotten married before us, around the same time as us or after us have seen about 95% of these couples get pregnant. It hurts a bit cause these people didn't try as long as us, they just decided and it happened. And its not their fault, but it still stings and leaves me crying every month when I get my period.

It's incredibly exhausting for me. And while my friends are supportive and listen, its all I think about and they don't want to hear this from me everytime they talk to me. Everyone gives advice and tell you "it will happen when its suppose to happen", "stop trying and it will happen", but these same people got pregnant without a problem. They don't know what its like to have everyone you know either have kids or get pregnant and tell you while you just ask yourself, "What the hell am I doing wrong?". So this is my place to share my stories, to tell you the things that people don't tell you about. The emotions, the fears, the day to day everyday stuff that you go through when you are having trouble trying to conceive. So if you stick around to read, don't be afraid to say hi. And if you are trying to conceive with no success, welcome and I hope that we can find some comfort together. Cause no one should go through this alone.

Love and Hugs,
K