And it all comes crashing down...

So today was the day. The day that changed everything for us.

C went for his appointment at the doctor's to get the results on his sperm count. And it wasn't good. The test showed that, well, the swimmers aren't swimming. He got a referral for a urologist so that we can talk to him, get C checked out and review our options. But more of less, this was the end of our chances of getting pregnant the traditional way.

I know its not the end of the world. I know that the pain is temporary. I know that we have options. But none of that stops the waves of pain hitting us over and over again. If I'm not crying, I'm on the verge of crying. Cause really, deep down, no matter how much I prepared for the worst case scenario, I always thought that it would be me that caused the problems. Not him. I looked up all of my options and prepared myself for it being me, and what we would have to do if it was me. I didn't prepare for it being him. I didn't prepare for the pain it would cause him. He feels like he failed me. That its his fault that this is happening to us. And watching him blame himself is killing me. So not only do I have this empty hole in me that I feel will never get fulfilled, but now I'm carrying his guilt too.

I don't know how to deal with this. My emotions are everywhere. I want to push through this so that I can move on and find a way to make this happen. As much as this hurts, we do have options and we have an end goal. WE WILL HAVE A CHILD. No matter what. Even if it means that I may not be able to physically give birth to a child, then we will adopt. I'm not afraid of adoption, but it's not my first choice because I want to feel a child grow in me. So I will do anything I have to do to feel that child grow in me, and if we have exhausted every option, then we will adopt.

But I feel like a failure. I feel like we are letting everyone down. And as great as my friends are, they can't take this pain and these feelings away. I get so angry that people can just get pregnant without a problem yet I want it so bad and we have so many problems. Crack whores and other women can get pregnant by accident, yet I'm crying myself to sleep every night cause we're still not pregnant and I feel like something is truly missing from my life. This pain is just so all encompassing that I can't get a grip on it. I feel lost and like no one can possibly understand whats going on in my life. I know I'm not alone, but at the time it happens, you feel like we're all alone in this. And I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

I just feel like I'm carrying this big weight on my shoulders and the weight gets bigger and bigger and it just keeps getting harder to keep going. I feel like I'm drowning in these feeling and I just can't catch my breath.

I just feel lost. Why us? Why can't we have what everyone else has no problem with. Why does this have to be so damn difficult?