The Double Standard

Being an infertile, we deal with many issues. We can be described as emotionally volitile, judgemental and some people will tell you that they simply don't know how to approach you about any of it. They don't know how to talk to you or ask questions. They simply don't understand. There is a clearly drawn line in the sand and there are two sides: those who suffer from infertility and those who don't. There are no grey areas. You either suffer from it or you don't. You can't just sorta kinda deal with it. Doctors won't look at you for infertility until 12 months of actively trying with no results. Then you start the tests and the doctors visits and the sperm count. Then you see specialists. You see urologists, fertility doctors, gynocologists. You get poked and prodded by doctors. You get sent for unending tests. And you do this willingly. You would do this all 10 times over if it meant that you could just get pregnant.

Then you run into people at the grocery store, or movie theatre or at work and they might be a good friend or a friend of the family, a cousin or aunt, or even someone you went to school with. You stop to talk to them for a few minutes. They ask if you are married, or ask about your husband and your family and then that dreaded question comes and you can't prevent it: "So any children yet?" And you wince when you hear it. You answer with a simple, "No" or "Not yet" and then the questions start. You can't avoid it and you can't walk away before it gets bad. Questions like: Well, why not? Are you waiting for kids? Don't you wanna give your parents grandchildren? What's the holdup? Do you want children? X has 2 kids now, and shes younger than you.

And then you want to cry or scream or tell them to fuck off. Cause, its not their business anyway. They are saying it in conversation. They are not looking to hurt you, they are just curious. Then you have to formulate a response that doesn't actually tell them the details and your pain and let them know that they just stepped on your heart. So you say, oh yeah were trying its just not working yet. Some will push for more information until they make you uncomfortable enough to just blurt out that you are having fertility issues. Others figure it out before it gets to that point and they try to back track. Then they offer the apology coupled with the useless advice cause they think that will make everything better. "Well, have you tried this? or this? or this?" or "Well just relax, it will happen when its meant to happen." And then you are angry cause they really don't get it. They ask about adoption, sperm donation, egg donation, offer doctors, offer their tried and true tricks and spout off everything they have ever read about trying to conceive. And they think that because they themselves didn't get pregnant on the first try that they have the knowledge and know-how to give advice. Its a trainwreck. Where if they just said, "I'm sorry I didn't know, if you need to talk, I'm here" could have sufficed?

Then you find someone else who is suffering too. You meet them in online forums, local support groups, at doctors offices or you have a friend suffering too. And in any other circumstance, you wouldn't have anything to do with them. But they understand your pain like so few do so you have that connection and a friendship grows.  Then you find yourself talking to these people about things you held in deep inside you and buried. Then something happens and these people ask questions. Similar in fashion to the questions "the others" have asked but its ok. You don't hide from the questions. They seem less harsh cause they seem to have the understanding behind the questions and they don't make those stupid mistakes that "the others" make. They ask about doctors, they ask if you have tried X, Y and Z. They ask about your thoughts on adoption, sperm and egg donation. They ask about very personal information about you and your spouse and you willingly give the information. They offer doctors and specialists, fertility clinics and all their tricks. And you gobble up this info like its the cure for cancer and hold it close.

So why the double standard? My mother can't offer her support or offer help without me potentially biting her head off for it, but a stranger on the internet can offer same support and help and I eat it up like candy. This double standard exists. Some days its blantantly obvious in my own life. My mom and friends can't help me no matter what, I grow frustrated and change the subject, but my online supports can tell me the same thing and I'm grateful for it. Yet, I'm sitting here wishing my mom and friends understood but then feel badly about it cause I don't want anyone to feel how I feel about this. This pain is hard enough, they don't need that.

We are a small group of people who seem to find support in sharing our pain. It's like one of those secret clubs that you need a password for. And if you haven't been there, you never will be.