I don't think people realize...

...how hard it is to congratulate someone on the birth of their child.

For someone who is dealing with everything that I have had to deal with, I really don't think people realize how difficult it is for me to watch you get pregnant so easily, have such an easygoing pregnancy, and a short easy going delivery. And you don't know how hard it is for me when you decide to plaster the internet with pictures of your child. I also don't think you know how genuinely happy I am for you. But that the pain and emptiness that I feel at every picture or status or post makes it hard for that happiness to show through. I really am happy for you. And it took me 2 days to get the will power to post a congratulations without sobbing into my keyboard. Everything comes so fucking easy for you and I'm always struggling. Why can't I get a break for once?

Not only are we dealing with infertility, but C's meds have stopped working and has affected him emotionally and hes suffering from bad panic attacks and a severe depression. And now they are ramping him up on different meds to see if this will make any difference. The infertility and the fact that he is blaming himself for my unhappiness because this is all male factor does not help the situation, it only makes it worse. And for the record, I don't blame him for these problems but he is just now feeling the pain that I have felt for the past 2.5 years. He's now feeling the absence in our life and feels that we need a child to fill that void. We have found a house to buy (my childhood house that my parents have decided to give to us because they have decided to build a smaller home for themselves)  and the rest of the other issues we wanted settled before we bring home a baby are working out and they are all falling into place like we need them to.

Sometimes you just wish you had that person's life. Sometimes you just want a break from your own life. But everyone (myself included) is always so wrapped up in their own life that they forget that other people are suffering for what you have and take for granted. And to those who wish they had aspects of my life and have pain because of it...I'm genuinely sorry that I'm too wrapped up in my pain to see yours.

xoxo
K