So after getting our news yesterday, I went to my parents house and pulled an all nighter to watch the Royal Wedding. I grew up with a mom who loves all things royal and follows the royals, so it's only natural that it rubs off on me. Mom and I stayed up all night and I kept myself busy following that.
But all night I was going through hot and cold phases. One second I'm fine, the next I'm crying. Then I have a game plan, then I'm second guessing myself and crying again.
My friends have been finding out. I told one of them and asked them to pass it onto those that I was suppose to see this weekend. My friends are supportive but they don't know what to say. Then they end up saying things that they think are helpful but in reality, does nothing but make me angry and upset.
C and I have a couple that we hang out with and do stuff together and they more or less have become our mentor couple. We can talk to them about just about anything. C told them over the phone what happened and they invited us up for a bit. C and the other hubby went for ice cream and the girl poured me a glass of wine and we sat out on her step. It was a nice warm night so we just sat there and chatted.
Then she asked me, so how are you? And I answered her honestly. I'm miserable. Then I told her all the details. She let me cry, she let me let it all out. She didn't use any cliche lines, she didn't invade my personal space and she did refill my glass Then when I was done, she looked at me and said, "you need this, don't pretend you don't. Give yourself time to be miserable it's part of tge process and you need a few days to process it all. Don't short yourself on this. So what are you gonna do once you finish getting over the blah feelings and the crying? What's the gameplan?"
Sometimes you have those people that don't try to fix it but still manage to know exactly what to do to help you feel a bit better. I have some amazing friends and they all play their part. Tonight, I'm grateful for her.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
And it all comes crashing down...
So today was the day. The day that changed everything for us.
C went for his appointment at the doctor's to get the results on his sperm count. And it wasn't good. The test showed that, well, the swimmers aren't swimming. He got a referral for a urologist so that we can talk to him, get C checked out and review our options. But more of less, this was the end of our chances of getting pregnant the traditional way.
I know its not the end of the world. I know that the pain is temporary. I know that we have options. But none of that stops the waves of pain hitting us over and over again. If I'm not crying, I'm on the verge of crying. Cause really, deep down, no matter how much I prepared for the worst case scenario, I always thought that it would be me that caused the problems. Not him. I looked up all of my options and prepared myself for it being me, and what we would have to do if it was me. I didn't prepare for it being him. I didn't prepare for the pain it would cause him. He feels like he failed me. That its his fault that this is happening to us. And watching him blame himself is killing me. So not only do I have this empty hole in me that I feel will never get fulfilled, but now I'm carrying his guilt too.
I don't know how to deal with this. My emotions are everywhere. I want to push through this so that I can move on and find a way to make this happen. As much as this hurts, we do have options and we have an end goal. WE WILL HAVE A CHILD. No matter what. Even if it means that I may not be able to physically give birth to a child, then we will adopt. I'm not afraid of adoption, but it's not my first choice because I want to feel a child grow in me. So I will do anything I have to do to feel that child grow in me, and if we have exhausted every option, then we will adopt.
But I feel like a failure. I feel like we are letting everyone down. And as great as my friends are, they can't take this pain and these feelings away. I get so angry that people can just get pregnant without a problem yet I want it so bad and we have so many problems. Crack whores and other women can get pregnant by accident, yet I'm crying myself to sleep every night cause we're still not pregnant and I feel like something is truly missing from my life. This pain is just so all encompassing that I can't get a grip on it. I feel lost and like no one can possibly understand whats going on in my life. I know I'm not alone, but at the time it happens, you feel like we're all alone in this. And I feel like I'm letting everyone down.
I just feel like I'm carrying this big weight on my shoulders and the weight gets bigger and bigger and it just keeps getting harder to keep going. I feel like I'm drowning in these feeling and I just can't catch my breath.
I just feel lost. Why us? Why can't we have what everyone else has no problem with. Why does this have to be so damn difficult?
C went for his appointment at the doctor's to get the results on his sperm count. And it wasn't good. The test showed that, well, the swimmers aren't swimming. He got a referral for a urologist so that we can talk to him, get C checked out and review our options. But more of less, this was the end of our chances of getting pregnant the traditional way.
I know its not the end of the world. I know that the pain is temporary. I know that we have options. But none of that stops the waves of pain hitting us over and over again. If I'm not crying, I'm on the verge of crying. Cause really, deep down, no matter how much I prepared for the worst case scenario, I always thought that it would be me that caused the problems. Not him. I looked up all of my options and prepared myself for it being me, and what we would have to do if it was me. I didn't prepare for it being him. I didn't prepare for the pain it would cause him. He feels like he failed me. That its his fault that this is happening to us. And watching him blame himself is killing me. So not only do I have this empty hole in me that I feel will never get fulfilled, but now I'm carrying his guilt too.
I don't know how to deal with this. My emotions are everywhere. I want to push through this so that I can move on and find a way to make this happen. As much as this hurts, we do have options and we have an end goal. WE WILL HAVE A CHILD. No matter what. Even if it means that I may not be able to physically give birth to a child, then we will adopt. I'm not afraid of adoption, but it's not my first choice because I want to feel a child grow in me. So I will do anything I have to do to feel that child grow in me, and if we have exhausted every option, then we will adopt.
But I feel like a failure. I feel like we are letting everyone down. And as great as my friends are, they can't take this pain and these feelings away. I get so angry that people can just get pregnant without a problem yet I want it so bad and we have so many problems. Crack whores and other women can get pregnant by accident, yet I'm crying myself to sleep every night cause we're still not pregnant and I feel like something is truly missing from my life. This pain is just so all encompassing that I can't get a grip on it. I feel lost and like no one can possibly understand whats going on in my life. I know I'm not alone, but at the time it happens, you feel like we're all alone in this. And I feel like I'm letting everyone down.
I just feel like I'm carrying this big weight on my shoulders and the weight gets bigger and bigger and it just keeps getting harder to keep going. I feel like I'm drowning in these feeling and I just can't catch my breath.
I just feel lost. Why us? Why can't we have what everyone else has no problem with. Why does this have to be so damn difficult?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
A Case of the Holiday Blahs
Happy Easter to my friends and family celebrating the holiday today!
It's Easter Sunday morning, C is gone to work and I'm lazing on my couch watching Reba and drinking a cup of green tea. I'll be going to my parents for supper but something is off, I feel like something is missing. Dad is home for Easter, for once. My brother is in Edmonton this Easter and is probably hung over today, if hes not on site working. We visited the inlaws shortly last night. There are no gifts, no getting ready for mass, none of the normal stuff that comes with Easter. And while I'm pretty sure that I'm having the morning that most parents wish they had, I don't want it.
I miss the time when the holidays (all holidays) had a special spark to them. The spark that comes with a child's joy and wonder. It feels like something is missing and as I sit here and reflect, I know its the laugh and joy of a child. The happiness of kids hopped up on chocolate, while I would be in the kitchen with both of the moms learning to make my first Easter turkey dinner while the dads and my husband take the kids outside to play with their toys. I want to see my 4 grown strong men trip over themselves trying to forsee every move of the child.
I feel this every major holiday. Christmas Eve isn't as fun as it used to be. There are still gifts and traditions, but no kids around to spoil and celebrate the holiday with leaves me feeling empty. I want children so that I can incorporate the traditions we have now with a little ones. Than there's Thanksgiving, that we really don't celebrate. Dad usually works away, and me and mom don't make a big deal about it. We just don't celebrate the holidays like we used to. And I miss it.
So today we have a bit of the Holiday blahs going on. I'm on my second cup of tea, cross stitching and playing some computer games. I'm just resting, relaxing and wishing I had what so many people have today. Hello pity party, table of one please?
Love and Hugs,
K
It's Easter Sunday morning, C is gone to work and I'm lazing on my couch watching Reba and drinking a cup of green tea. I'll be going to my parents for supper but something is off, I feel like something is missing. Dad is home for Easter, for once. My brother is in Edmonton this Easter and is probably hung over today, if hes not on site working. We visited the inlaws shortly last night. There are no gifts, no getting ready for mass, none of the normal stuff that comes with Easter. And while I'm pretty sure that I'm having the morning that most parents wish they had, I don't want it.
I miss the time when the holidays (all holidays) had a special spark to them. The spark that comes with a child's joy and wonder. It feels like something is missing and as I sit here and reflect, I know its the laugh and joy of a child. The happiness of kids hopped up on chocolate, while I would be in the kitchen with both of the moms learning to make my first Easter turkey dinner while the dads and my husband take the kids outside to play with their toys. I want to see my 4 grown strong men trip over themselves trying to forsee every move of the child.
I feel this every major holiday. Christmas Eve isn't as fun as it used to be. There are still gifts and traditions, but no kids around to spoil and celebrate the holiday with leaves me feeling empty. I want children so that I can incorporate the traditions we have now with a little ones. Than there's Thanksgiving, that we really don't celebrate. Dad usually works away, and me and mom don't make a big deal about it. We just don't celebrate the holidays like we used to. And I miss it.
So today we have a bit of the Holiday blahs going on. I'm on my second cup of tea, cross stitching and playing some computer games. I'm just resting, relaxing and wishing I had what so many people have today. Hello pity party, table of one please?
Love and Hugs,
K
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Things They Never Tell You
So last night I had a major breakdown.
I have so much going on in my life outside of our troubles with getting pregnant. I have a dying grandfather, issues with my job and our new bitch of a boss, C and I are fighting alot. And I just broke down.
I left the house, went for a walk and came home to a husband who was pissed at me for taking off. We had a very long heart to heart about TTC. He didn't seem to understand the emotional roller coaster that is my body is going through. I purely ache to my very core every month when I get my period, again. I feel lost, alone and like a part of me is simply missing and I can't feel complete until that piece is found. C can understand the intellectual side of it, but he has trouble with the emotions I'm feeling. He has promised to make a bigger effort so that I don't feel so alone in all of this.
But in dealing with all of this, I came to a realization: <b>No one tells you about this.</b>
I was raised Catholic. I was married in a Catholic church. But to be married in a Catholic church, we are required to attend a marriage prep course. It lasted over 3 days. Day one was a talk from a priest about the ceremony itself and what marriage means to our religion. The rest of the day, we talked to a couple that was married for 40 years and they talked about the ups and downs of their marriage. The couple had no problems with getting pregnant so it never came up. Day 2 we had talks from an insurance broker, a lawyer who talked to us about living wills. The final day was a meeting with a catholic couple who practices Natural Family Planning.
There were many problems with this. While the lawyer could have talked to us about stuff like adoption and adoption laws, he didn't. He talked about living wills and that was it. He had some handouts on who to talk to about adoption. And the NFP couple could have been a great success but they weren't. They talked to us about charting but they talked to us about it in a way that didn't explain how to use to to procreate, but rather as a form of birth control that is sanctioned by the church. It was all about preventing pregnancy until you were ready.
During this entire mandatory event, not one person talked about what happens if you have trouble getting pregnant. What would have been helpful was if someone was there to share their story with infertility. No one bothered to tell us that it might take a while to get pregnant. No one told us about the options and whats available, what support is available, or even the options if pregnancy is not possible. And no one told us about the emotional toll TTC would have not only on each of us seperately, but on our marriage as a whole. No one talked about living life childfree by choice or by lack of choice. No one talked to us about adoption, and what knowledge I do have, is from my husband and his family because C was adopted as a newborn. His mother had a hysterectomy when she was younger than I am now, she had no choice. And her resources were limited.
The big issue with this? Its not that its only because its a religion based event, but this information isn't readily available anywhere where I live. It still feels like a taboo topic. No one talks about their inability to get pregnant. No one tells you the emotions that you feel when you watch all of your friends get pregnant. No one tells you how you feel like you are left behind and you cry yourself to sleep each night. No one tells you about the motions and emotions that you go through everytime you get your period. No one tells you about the empty feelings and the how you feel like less than a woman the longer you go without getting pregnant. No one tells you how to react to "kind words" and "advice" from people who think they know how you feel and think they understand what you are going through when they don't have the slightest clue cause they had no problem getting pregnant. No one ever tells you about this, no one prepares you for this. You feel all of this and think its only you. You feel like something is wrong with you, that you are faulty or broken. No one prepares you for depression and the fact that your friends try to understand but they just cant and that leaves you feeling even more alone and lost and deepens the depression. I have to ask around to get any information about my "options". And honestly, I feel more comfortable talking in private with my friends (who can only take so much of this talk before it gets old) and talking about it on the internet and reading others blogs and stories. Is this what its like everywhere or is it just my little area of the world still suck in the stone age of fertility talk?
I wish there was more information about this. But not just for me. I know I'm not the only woman out there dealing with the emotional side effects of having difficulty trying to conceive.
But these are they things they never tell you.
They never warn you about this...
I have so much going on in my life outside of our troubles with getting pregnant. I have a dying grandfather, issues with my job and our new bitch of a boss, C and I are fighting alot. And I just broke down.
I left the house, went for a walk and came home to a husband who was pissed at me for taking off. We had a very long heart to heart about TTC. He didn't seem to understand the emotional roller coaster that is my body is going through. I purely ache to my very core every month when I get my period, again. I feel lost, alone and like a part of me is simply missing and I can't feel complete until that piece is found. C can understand the intellectual side of it, but he has trouble with the emotions I'm feeling. He has promised to make a bigger effort so that I don't feel so alone in all of this.
But in dealing with all of this, I came to a realization: <b>No one tells you about this.</b>
I was raised Catholic. I was married in a Catholic church. But to be married in a Catholic church, we are required to attend a marriage prep course. It lasted over 3 days. Day one was a talk from a priest about the ceremony itself and what marriage means to our religion. The rest of the day, we talked to a couple that was married for 40 years and they talked about the ups and downs of their marriage. The couple had no problems with getting pregnant so it never came up. Day 2 we had talks from an insurance broker, a lawyer who talked to us about living wills. The final day was a meeting with a catholic couple who practices Natural Family Planning.
There were many problems with this. While the lawyer could have talked to us about stuff like adoption and adoption laws, he didn't. He talked about living wills and that was it. He had some handouts on who to talk to about adoption. And the NFP couple could have been a great success but they weren't. They talked to us about charting but they talked to us about it in a way that didn't explain how to use to to procreate, but rather as a form of birth control that is sanctioned by the church. It was all about preventing pregnancy until you were ready.
During this entire mandatory event, not one person talked about what happens if you have trouble getting pregnant. What would have been helpful was if someone was there to share their story with infertility. No one bothered to tell us that it might take a while to get pregnant. No one told us about the options and whats available, what support is available, or even the options if pregnancy is not possible. And no one told us about the emotional toll TTC would have not only on each of us seperately, but on our marriage as a whole. No one talked about living life childfree by choice or by lack of choice. No one talked to us about adoption, and what knowledge I do have, is from my husband and his family because C was adopted as a newborn. His mother had a hysterectomy when she was younger than I am now, she had no choice. And her resources were limited.
The big issue with this? Its not that its only because its a religion based event, but this information isn't readily available anywhere where I live. It still feels like a taboo topic. No one talks about their inability to get pregnant. No one tells you the emotions that you feel when you watch all of your friends get pregnant. No one tells you how you feel like you are left behind and you cry yourself to sleep each night. No one tells you about the motions and emotions that you go through everytime you get your period. No one tells you about the empty feelings and the how you feel like less than a woman the longer you go without getting pregnant. No one tells you how to react to "kind words" and "advice" from people who think they know how you feel and think they understand what you are going through when they don't have the slightest clue cause they had no problem getting pregnant. No one ever tells you about this, no one prepares you for this. You feel all of this and think its only you. You feel like something is wrong with you, that you are faulty or broken. No one prepares you for depression and the fact that your friends try to understand but they just cant and that leaves you feeling even more alone and lost and deepens the depression. I have to ask around to get any information about my "options". And honestly, I feel more comfortable talking in private with my friends (who can only take so much of this talk before it gets old) and talking about it on the internet and reading others blogs and stories. Is this what its like everywhere or is it just my little area of the world still suck in the stone age of fertility talk?
I wish there was more information about this. But not just for me. I know I'm not the only woman out there dealing with the emotional side effects of having difficulty trying to conceive.
But these are they things they never tell you.
They never warn you about this...
Monday, April 18, 2011
An Introduction To Our Life
So I came about this idea for a blog one night while I couldn't sleep. It's not like I don't already have an online journal, but those friends are vast and have varying lifestyles that differ from mine. And while they are supportive, they know the real me. And as much as you care about someone, if they keep talking about the same thing over and over again, then it can get annoying or exhausting. And really, they don't understand. Honestly, I didn't want to put them through that. I need a place where I can only talk about my issues, feelings, and all things related to me and my husband and our difficulties in trying to get pregnant.
So a little background.
Hi, I'm K, I'm 28 and I'm from a little place on the east coast of Canada. I met my husband almost 8 years ago. We worked together and were set up by a co-worker. By our second date, we knew that we wanted to go steady with each other. We were together 4 years when he proposed to me. We moved in together within a few months of getting engaged. We were engaged 2 years when we got married in a big wedding. This September will mark our 2 year wedding anniversary.
We have three cats who are our furchildren. We knew before we got engaged that we wanted a family. C is an only child and I have one brother who loves his bachelor lifestyle. We are the only ones to provide grandchildren to our parents. And they have been ready for grandchildren since long before our engagement was announced. Our parents, while anxious to be grandparents, are incredibly supportive of us. They know that we are having trouble trying to conceive.
About four months before our wedding, C and I decided that we were ready to start trying for children. We knew that it probably wouldn't happen overnight so what was so wrong with starting before the wedding. We've been trying since then to get pregnant with no success. While this isn't the end of the world, its a little disheartening. We were not the only ones in our group of friends and family to get married at this time and everyone who has gotten married before us, around the same time as us or after us have seen about 95% of these couples get pregnant. It hurts a bit cause these people didn't try as long as us, they just decided and it happened. And its not their fault, but it still stings and leaves me crying every month when I get my period.
It's incredibly exhausting for me. And while my friends are supportive and listen, its all I think about and they don't want to hear this from me everytime they talk to me. Everyone gives advice and tell you "it will happen when its suppose to happen", "stop trying and it will happen", but these same people got pregnant without a problem. They don't know what its like to have everyone you know either have kids or get pregnant and tell you while you just ask yourself, "What the hell am I doing wrong?". So this is my place to share my stories, to tell you the things that people don't tell you about. The emotions, the fears, the day to day everyday stuff that you go through when you are having trouble trying to conceive. So if you stick around to read, don't be afraid to say hi. And if you are trying to conceive with no success, welcome and I hope that we can find some comfort together. Cause no one should go through this alone.
Love and Hugs,
K
So a little background.
Hi, I'm K, I'm 28 and I'm from a little place on the east coast of Canada. I met my husband almost 8 years ago. We worked together and were set up by a co-worker. By our second date, we knew that we wanted to go steady with each other. We were together 4 years when he proposed to me. We moved in together within a few months of getting engaged. We were engaged 2 years when we got married in a big wedding. This September will mark our 2 year wedding anniversary.
We have three cats who are our furchildren. We knew before we got engaged that we wanted a family. C is an only child and I have one brother who loves his bachelor lifestyle. We are the only ones to provide grandchildren to our parents. And they have been ready for grandchildren since long before our engagement was announced. Our parents, while anxious to be grandparents, are incredibly supportive of us. They know that we are having trouble trying to conceive.
About four months before our wedding, C and I decided that we were ready to start trying for children. We knew that it probably wouldn't happen overnight so what was so wrong with starting before the wedding. We've been trying since then to get pregnant with no success. While this isn't the end of the world, its a little disheartening. We were not the only ones in our group of friends and family to get married at this time and everyone who has gotten married before us, around the same time as us or after us have seen about 95% of these couples get pregnant. It hurts a bit cause these people didn't try as long as us, they just decided and it happened. And its not their fault, but it still stings and leaves me crying every month when I get my period.
It's incredibly exhausting for me. And while my friends are supportive and listen, its all I think about and they don't want to hear this from me everytime they talk to me. Everyone gives advice and tell you "it will happen when its suppose to happen", "stop trying and it will happen", but these same people got pregnant without a problem. They don't know what its like to have everyone you know either have kids or get pregnant and tell you while you just ask yourself, "What the hell am I doing wrong?". So this is my place to share my stories, to tell you the things that people don't tell you about. The emotions, the fears, the day to day everyday stuff that you go through when you are having trouble trying to conceive. So if you stick around to read, don't be afraid to say hi. And if you are trying to conceive with no success, welcome and I hope that we can find some comfort together. Cause no one should go through this alone.
Love and Hugs,
K
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