The Things They Never Tell You

So last night I had a major breakdown.

I have so much going on in my life outside of our troubles with getting pregnant. I have a dying grandfather, issues with my job and our new bitch of a boss, C and I are fighting alot. And I just broke down.

I left the house, went for a walk and came home to a husband who was pissed at me for taking off. We had a very long heart to heart about TTC. He didn't seem to understand the emotional roller coaster that is my body is going through. I purely ache to my very core every month when I get my period, again. I feel lost, alone and like a part of me is simply missing and I can't feel complete until that piece is found. C can understand the intellectual side of it, but he has trouble with the emotions I'm feeling. He has promised to make a bigger effort so that I don't feel so alone in all of this.

But in dealing with all of this, I came to a realization: <b>No one tells you about this.</b>

I was raised Catholic. I was married in a Catholic church. But to be married in a Catholic church, we are required to attend a marriage prep course. It lasted over 3 days. Day one was a talk from a priest about the ceremony itself and what marriage means to our religion. The rest of the day, we talked to a couple that was married for 40 years and they talked about the ups and downs of their marriage. The couple had no problems with getting pregnant so it never came up. Day 2 we had talks from an insurance broker, a lawyer who talked to us about living wills. The final day was a meeting with a catholic couple who practices Natural Family Planning.

There were many problems with this. While the lawyer could have talked to us about stuff like adoption and adoption laws, he didn't. He talked about living wills and that was it. He had some handouts on who to talk to about adoption. And the NFP couple could have been a great success but they weren't. They talked to us about charting but they talked to us about it in a way that didn't explain how to use to to procreate, but rather as a form of birth control that is sanctioned by the church. It was all about preventing pregnancy until you were ready.

During this entire mandatory event, not one person talked about what happens if you have trouble getting pregnant. What would have been helpful was if someone was there to share their story with infertility. No one bothered to tell us that it might take a while to get pregnant. No one told us about the options and whats available, what support is available, or even the options if pregnancy is not possible. And no one told us about the emotional toll TTC would have not only on each of us seperately, but on our marriage as a whole. No one talked about living life childfree by choice or by lack of choice. No one talked to us about adoption, and what knowledge I do have, is from my husband and his family because C was adopted as a newborn. His mother had a hysterectomy when she was younger than I am now, she had no choice. And her resources were limited.

The big issue with this? Its not that its only because its a religion based event, but this information isn't readily available anywhere where I live. It still feels like a taboo topic. No one talks about their inability to get pregnant. No one tells you the emotions that you feel when you watch all of your friends get pregnant. No one tells you how you feel like you are left behind and you cry yourself to sleep each night. No one tells you about the motions and emotions that you go through everytime you get your period. No one tells you about the empty feelings and the how you feel like less than a woman the longer you go without getting pregnant. No one tells you how to react to "kind words" and "advice" from people who think they know how you feel and think they understand what you are going through when they don't have the slightest clue cause they had no problem getting pregnant. No one ever tells you about this, no one prepares you for this. You feel all of this and think its only you. You feel like something is wrong with you, that you are faulty or broken. No one prepares you for depression and the fact that your friends try to understand but they just cant and that leaves you feeling even more alone and lost and deepens the depression. I have to ask around to get any information about my "options". And honestly, I feel more comfortable talking in private with my friends (who can only take so much of this talk before it gets old) and talking about it on the internet and reading others blogs and stories. Is this what its like everywhere or is it just my little area of the world still suck in the stone age of fertility talk?

I wish there was more information about this. But not just for me. I know I'm not the only woman out there dealing with the emotional side effects of having difficulty trying to conceive.

But these are they things they never tell you.
They never warn you about this...