I really need people to stop talking about it

I know this is a rather large "its all about me" statement, but whatever. But please people, stop talking about pregnancy. Stop posting about it. Stop telling me about it. I know you just had your baby, but the pictures are killing me. I feel broken. I want that so bad that I'm literally aching inside. I don't know if I want to be sheltered from it or told and left to deal with it on my own. I'm a glutton for punishment, so of course I'm gonna look and then regret looking. I just feel like this will never happen. Its another week and still no word from the Urologist and we can't get through to them.

Then another friend decided to put me on her filtered list of people who she will post to about TTC. This is not helping. I know she wants to keep me in the know cause she considers me a friend she can trust and share this stuff with. I feel bad, but I can't bring myself to read it, let alone post it. I'm trying to find a way to say, thank you for considering me a close enough friend to share this with but I'm too caught up in my own fertility issues that reading about you trying to conceive is physically and emotionally hurting me. That just makes me sound like a self centered bitch. Where is that line? Why can't I walk it? Why is this so difficult? I don't want to hurt friend's feelings, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I will if I talk about it.

For fuck sakes, I felt I couldn't post this under my own name because I'm afraid of who I will hurt. So I went and created a journal under a fake username so I could get my feelings out without hurting anyone. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I have a baby as easily as everyone else. Why are my emotions all over the place? Why can't the fucking doctors decide to see us? I'm so frustrated, I have no one to really spew this out to at the moment and I'm stuck here, typing it out. I hate how I am so happy for a person but yet have so much jealousy that I hate them too. All I want is what they have. I've done my time. Why can't I have that now. I sometimes wish people could see the full effect that they have on me when it comes to this stuff, but at the same time I hold it as close to my chest as I can cause I don't want to burden anyone else with it. I just....I don't know. My emotions are all over the place. I don't know how to deal anymore.

I need to sleep. Yeah, I'll sleep.