The Double Standard

Being an infertile, we deal with many issues. We can be described as emotionally volitile, judgemental and some people will tell you that they simply don't know how to approach you about any of it. They don't know how to talk to you or ask questions. They simply don't understand. There is a clearly drawn line in the sand and there are two sides: those who suffer from infertility and those who don't. There are no grey areas. You either suffer from it or you don't. You can't just sorta kinda deal with it. Doctors won't look at you for infertility until 12 months of actively trying with no results. Then you start the tests and the doctors visits and the sperm count. Then you see specialists. You see urologists, fertility doctors, gynocologists. You get poked and prodded by doctors. You get sent for unending tests. And you do this willingly. You would do this all 10 times over if it meant that you could just get pregnant.

Then you run into people at the grocery store, or movie theatre or at work and they might be a good friend or a friend of the family, a cousin or aunt, or even someone you went to school with. You stop to talk to them for a few minutes. They ask if you are married, or ask about your husband and your family and then that dreaded question comes and you can't prevent it: "So any children yet?" And you wince when you hear it. You answer with a simple, "No" or "Not yet" and then the questions start. You can't avoid it and you can't walk away before it gets bad. Questions like: Well, why not? Are you waiting for kids? Don't you wanna give your parents grandchildren? What's the holdup? Do you want children? X has 2 kids now, and shes younger than you.

And then you want to cry or scream or tell them to fuck off. Cause, its not their business anyway. They are saying it in conversation. They are not looking to hurt you, they are just curious. Then you have to formulate a response that doesn't actually tell them the details and your pain and let them know that they just stepped on your heart. So you say, oh yeah were trying its just not working yet. Some will push for more information until they make you uncomfortable enough to just blurt out that you are having fertility issues. Others figure it out before it gets to that point and they try to back track. Then they offer the apology coupled with the useless advice cause they think that will make everything better. "Well, have you tried this? or this? or this?" or "Well just relax, it will happen when its meant to happen." And then you are angry cause they really don't get it. They ask about adoption, sperm donation, egg donation, offer doctors, offer their tried and true tricks and spout off everything they have ever read about trying to conceive. And they think that because they themselves didn't get pregnant on the first try that they have the knowledge and know-how to give advice. Its a trainwreck. Where if they just said, "I'm sorry I didn't know, if you need to talk, I'm here" could have sufficed?

Then you find someone else who is suffering too. You meet them in online forums, local support groups, at doctors offices or you have a friend suffering too. And in any other circumstance, you wouldn't have anything to do with them. But they understand your pain like so few do so you have that connection and a friendship grows.  Then you find yourself talking to these people about things you held in deep inside you and buried. Then something happens and these people ask questions. Similar in fashion to the questions "the others" have asked but its ok. You don't hide from the questions. They seem less harsh cause they seem to have the understanding behind the questions and they don't make those stupid mistakes that "the others" make. They ask about doctors, they ask if you have tried X, Y and Z. They ask about your thoughts on adoption, sperm and egg donation. They ask about very personal information about you and your spouse and you willingly give the information. They offer doctors and specialists, fertility clinics and all their tricks. And you gobble up this info like its the cure for cancer and hold it close.

So why the double standard? My mother can't offer her support or offer help without me potentially biting her head off for it, but a stranger on the internet can offer same support and help and I eat it up like candy. This double standard exists. Some days its blantantly obvious in my own life. My mom and friends can't help me no matter what, I grow frustrated and change the subject, but my online supports can tell me the same thing and I'm grateful for it. Yet, I'm sitting here wishing my mom and friends understood but then feel badly about it cause I don't want anyone to feel how I feel about this. This pain is hard enough, they don't need that.

We are a small group of people who seem to find support in sharing our pain. It's like one of those secret clubs that you need a password for. And if you haven't been there, you never will be.

I don't think people realize...

...how hard it is to congratulate someone on the birth of their child.

For someone who is dealing with everything that I have had to deal with, I really don't think people realize how difficult it is for me to watch you get pregnant so easily, have such an easygoing pregnancy, and a short easy going delivery. And you don't know how hard it is for me when you decide to plaster the internet with pictures of your child. I also don't think you know how genuinely happy I am for you. But that the pain and emptiness that I feel at every picture or status or post makes it hard for that happiness to show through. I really am happy for you. And it took me 2 days to get the will power to post a congratulations without sobbing into my keyboard. Everything comes so fucking easy for you and I'm always struggling. Why can't I get a break for once?

Not only are we dealing with infertility, but C's meds have stopped working and has affected him emotionally and hes suffering from bad panic attacks and a severe depression. And now they are ramping him up on different meds to see if this will make any difference. The infertility and the fact that he is blaming himself for my unhappiness because this is all male factor does not help the situation, it only makes it worse. And for the record, I don't blame him for these problems but he is just now feeling the pain that I have felt for the past 2.5 years. He's now feeling the absence in our life and feels that we need a child to fill that void. We have found a house to buy (my childhood house that my parents have decided to give to us because they have decided to build a smaller home for themselves)  and the rest of the other issues we wanted settled before we bring home a baby are working out and they are all falling into place like we need them to.

Sometimes you just wish you had that person's life. Sometimes you just want a break from your own life. But everyone (myself included) is always so wrapped up in their own life that they forget that other people are suffering for what you have and take for granted. And to those who wish they had aspects of my life and have pain because of it...I'm genuinely sorry that I'm too wrapped up in my pain to see yours.

xoxo
K

I really need people to stop talking about it

I know this is a rather large "its all about me" statement, but whatever. But please people, stop talking about pregnancy. Stop posting about it. Stop telling me about it. I know you just had your baby, but the pictures are killing me. I feel broken. I want that so bad that I'm literally aching inside. I don't know if I want to be sheltered from it or told and left to deal with it on my own. I'm a glutton for punishment, so of course I'm gonna look and then regret looking. I just feel like this will never happen. Its another week and still no word from the Urologist and we can't get through to them.

Then another friend decided to put me on her filtered list of people who she will post to about TTC. This is not helping. I know she wants to keep me in the know cause she considers me a friend she can trust and share this stuff with. I feel bad, but I can't bring myself to read it, let alone post it. I'm trying to find a way to say, thank you for considering me a close enough friend to share this with but I'm too caught up in my own fertility issues that reading about you trying to conceive is physically and emotionally hurting me. That just makes me sound like a self centered bitch. Where is that line? Why can't I walk it? Why is this so difficult? I don't want to hurt friend's feelings, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I will if I talk about it.

For fuck sakes, I felt I couldn't post this under my own name because I'm afraid of who I will hurt. So I went and created a journal under a fake username so I could get my feelings out without hurting anyone. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I have a baby as easily as everyone else. Why are my emotions all over the place? Why can't the fucking doctors decide to see us? I'm so frustrated, I have no one to really spew this out to at the moment and I'm stuck here, typing it out. I hate how I am so happy for a person but yet have so much jealousy that I hate them too. All I want is what they have. I've done my time. Why can't I have that now. I sometimes wish people could see the full effect that they have on me when it comes to this stuff, but at the same time I hold it as close to my chest as I can cause I don't want to burden anyone else with it. I just....I don't know. My emotions are all over the place. I don't know how to deal anymore.

I need to sleep. Yeah, I'll sleep.

Two of a kind?

So for those not in the know, there are different types of infertility. There's issues with the woman which can be broken down into many different types. There's male factor (no swimmers, low swimmers or swimmers who just aren't swimming). There is also the mysterious "there is nothing physically wrong with either of you to prevent this pregnancy" infertile. C and I are dealing with male factor (he has swimmers, they are just not swimming). 

So I have this "partner in infertility" (as I've taken to lovingly call her). Like me, she is having fertility issues as well. But this friend lands in the mysterious "unknown reasons" category. She's been checked and cleared as healthy. He's been checked and rechecked and hes fine, his swimmers are fine. There is no explanation as to why they are having such difficulty getting pregnant. They have been trying for just about 4 years now. And if anyone understands my issues and heartache, its this girl.

We have been talking a lot lately, hanging out. We were doing some work together for our high school reunion. When plans changed with the other reunion people one night, we went for a drive and just talked. We both really opened up to each other about our issues. And it was a relief to have someone to talk to who simply just gets it. She understand the feelings, emotions, the sudden changes and mood swings and the nights of crying yourself to sleep. She has two siblings, her younger sister has a daugther (and she idolizes that little girl), and her brother has 3 kids and the 3rd child was born on the 11th.

I texted friend about something random and she sent back a simple text: "brother and wife had baby last night, im watching the video of the baby and crying a bit. I feel bad for crying but I can't help it." My heart ached for her. I know that pain. So I send back what I feel: "I understand, its ok to cry. Call me if you need me." I picked her up today to do registration for an event we are doing together and when she got in the car, I asked her how she was doing and asked if she needed a hug. She was fine and thanked me. But told me that having someone to share that feeling with who wouldn't judge her made it easier. And shes right. I can look at her and say, "Ma told me about a highschool friend who's pregnant and she told me on the day my period started" and she just knows what I mean. I don't have to explain it. She knows and there's comfort in that. It sucks that we both have to be in this situation, but if we have to be in it, at least we have someone we can lean on when it gets difficult.

So today, while we waited in line, we both felt a bit lighter and today was one of the days where this simply was a temporary problem and we could see it as that. So we talked about how we would decorate our nursery's and it didn't hurt cause if one of us went too deep, the other was there to pull us out. Thank you A for making today one of those "this is only a temporary problem" day.

xoxo
K

Ugh...

Another announced pregnancy, another announced birth and both land on the first day of my period. Ugh.

Emotional terrorism. I'm claiming emotional terrorism on myself. I cried for a bit cause my emotions are all over the place. But I got over it. I said fuck it, bought a pack of smokes, went to a girlfriends house where she was having an equally shitty day and we both had a mikes hard blueberry cooler and sat on the step smoking and venting. We were both laughing by the end of it. I think she needed it as much as I did.

I have to say, this friend has 5 children (3 of her own, two of the children are her husband's nieces that they are raising). And these kids are some of the very few kids I can be around when I get in this mind frame. Where people would figure being around any kids would hurt, for some reason with her kids it doesn't hurt. It actually has a positive effect on me. I don't know what it is but it just works. I'm also incredibly close to these kids. I always thought it was because this girl is one of the few who don't actually jokingly offer her kids to me. There is just this laid back feeling when I go there and it helps.

The other piece of news today is that C went to see his doctor again. He got his referral for the neurologist (obviously not related to our infertility) for August. But still no word on the date of our appointment with the Urologist. Apparently when C's doctor checked into it, the local urologist still wants to see C but won't give a date. I think this is bullshit. So we asked for the referral to another doctor we would willingly travel to see. They won't send this referral unless they other urologist would agree to it. But we have the number for the local urologist.

What makes me mad about all this is that I doubt that this urologist will tell us anything different from what we already know and then he will refer us to a fertility clinic and we can take it from there. But we still have to take this step to get to our next step. Here are the hoops we must jump through, there are a lot and they are pointless but you can't pass go til you do it. This is just so frustrating. All I want is to get pregnant and have our child. Why does this have to be so difficult?

I have pet peeves with the internet sometimes

But then again, I guess everyone does. Right?

But sometimes these are big things and other times they are small things. Like facebook. I'm on it, but after realizing that I don't really care what everyone I know is doing at every moment (though I am a bit of a gossip), I cleaned out my list. I keep facebook simple. I do my best not to overshare and leave that either for my online journal with a friends only option or post in this blog where no one knows who I am unless they really try to connect the dots. On my facebook, I have my brother and parents, my inlaws, some of C's relatives (and trust me, hes got a big family and most of them are on facebook), all of my extended relatives who know how to turn on a computer (cousins, aunts, uncles), my friends (both close and not so close) and a handful of other people (some people I graduated high school with 10 years ago that I still keep tabs on even though we aren't really friends but would meet up for coffee if we ran into each other, friends of the family) and finally some of my online friends who I have grown close to over the years. Less than 200 people. Which is low considering both of our families. 

But even out of these people, you get the people who overshare. You know who they are. Chances are you have a few of them on your friends list if you have succumbed to the addiction of facebook. They have their profile set to public, have 1500 friends or some other insanely high number, and they set their statuses to things that make you do the uncomfortable laugh and wonder if you should comment or just pretend you didn't read it. You feel embarassed for them.

Fast foward to tonight. A friend breaks up with her boyfriend. I'm guessing, knowing her, that she posted this right after it happened. Her emotions are high. All she did was change her relationship status to "in a relationship" to "single" and then she takes it to every other internet outlet she uses, including sites like twitter. So another random person uses the like feature to choose to show that she likes this change. The dumped girl, with her emotions still high, states her displeasure in this status action. The other person comes back with a positive statement somewhere along the lines of the many possibilities of a single woman. Nothing mean but the dumped girl comes back with "I'M NOT IN THE MOOD!!"

Excuse me? If you are not in the mood to deal with the fallout of posting such personal information on such a public site, then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU POST IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?? Don't bitch people out because they may have a clearer head than you and try to be positive about the situation. If its that hard to deal with, don't change your status until you are ready to deal with the backlack. I have a friend who had her status set as married for the entire time of her seperation from her husband and didn't change the relationship status til her divorce papers came in and it was official. Her response to why she waited? "It's none of their god damn business. When I'm ready to tell and be able to deal with the responses, I'll post about it. That may be never but if that's the case, then so be it."

I wish more people would practice this. I'm not saying I'm perfect in all of this. When I quit my job, I ranted on facebook of all places. But we all have moments like this. I regret it now but I did it and from that point on, I've dialed it back and left that for a more private audience. And I have to say, this is hard to post. Cause as much as these people sometimes make me embarassed for them, I was raised in a small town. All small towns are bred to be gossip machines and it was raised in me to be a gossip. Its particularly bad when I'm with my girlfriends on my mom and aunt. But I fight against my need to know and the point of "when is too much information really too much information?"

But I'm tired and this happened just as I was about to log off of the internet and I needed to get it off my chest so I don't manage to work it out in my dreams. (cause im sorta bad for doing that, according to hubby of course).

My final thought on all of this: People of the internet, please think before you post and who your posting audience is. It could save you and your friends list alot of frustration. You do your part, and I'll do the best to do my part.

xoxo
K