Can People Be Too Supportive?

The answer, simply, is yes.

Yes they can be too helpful and too supportive.C and I are currently having this problem with C's mom. Well both of his parents. See, C was adopted because C's mom had to have a hysterectomy when she was younger than I am now. So because we are having these problems, she feels that she is the only one that truly knows how I feel, and there for, she feels that whatever she is doing is what I need. It's done with love, so I feel guilty. But I can't be told things like, "you need to stick together in all of this or else it will tear you apart". Really now? We haven't even been to the specialist to see what our options are and I'm still processing the original information. We are still trying to sort out our feelings on it. We don't need to be lectured on it. I know she says these things and hounds us because she cares and she worries about us. But I sometimes think she forgets that we are adults and we have to live our life on our own without other people telling us how to and what we should be feeling.

We have hit a point where we have gotten over the initial shock of the news and now that we know we aren't doing anything wrong to prevent this, we are ready to take the next step and work towards us being able to get pregnant and have babies. C talked to his mom and told her as nicely as he could that while we love them both, we feel that they are being over supportive and when we need them we will come to them. He just asked them to let us deal with this on our own instead of calling everyday asking how we are and just overpowering us when we visit. C's mom was clearly upset and C's parents ended up not coming to visit today like they were suppose to, but if it stings her for a bit, then I guess we need to give her space to deal with that too. It is a two way street after all. C asked me if he did the right thing. I told him that yes, he did. I also told him that no matter how long you live away from your parents and prove to them that you are an adult, some things can happen that make moms go into protective mama-bear mode and they feel the need to parent again like they did when you were a kid. Its their way of protecting the child they love. And I stick by what I said. I do not love the woman any less, its just that we have come to a point where our views differ and we have to make the move that's right for us, not what other people think is right for us. We're lucky that this is the first time we have ever had to do that (our relationships are quite close with both sets of parents, when I think of it), and its the first time C has had to stand up to his mom because they have strong differing views on something.

I gave myself the weekend to wallow. I told myself that I would get back to my normal life by Sunday (we found out Thursday) and one of my friends told me that she would give me til Monday before they showed up at my door. By late Saturday night, early Sunday morning, I was ready to stop crying over it and ready to end the depression. Everything I gave up over the weekend, I started to crave again. I missed my friends and the laughing and the gossip and the overall good times that I knew were out there waiting for me. So I got up, dusted myself off, and made plans with my friends. We went to play pool Sunday night. I went out for girls night tonight. I have plans throughout the rest of the week both with hubby and my friends. I'm going to visit my mom tomorrow. I'm living my life. I'm even gonna treat myself to sushi tomorrow when I go to visit my mom. I am lucky in many ways. My friends are as understanding as they can be, but when they don't know how to act or what to say, they simply ask. And the fact that they care enough to ask me what to do means that they just want me to be comfortable. It makes it easier to get back to life after a depression when you know that you have that waiting for you.

I know it won't always be like this. I know the bad days will be there and when I need the days, I'll take them and my friends will understand. And when I need to cry on someones shoulder, I'll have more shoulders to choose from than I can process. But I'm gonna live my life and kiss my husband and still have great sex. I'm gonna do things with my friends and spend time with their children and be Auntie K cause those children's smiles brighten my life, even if they aren't mine. They love me regardless of whether I can get pregnant naturally or not. When my days are bad, those smiles and kisses and hugs will get me through.

Love and Hugs!
K

I get by with a little help from my friends...

So, since I've received the news. I decided that I needed a few days away from my friends. I love my friends but sometimes their helpfulness and what they think will help are actually not helping at all. Sometimes you need to be away from them to simply get your head around things before you bring other people into it.

So this weekend was suppose to be a busy weekend for me. I was suppose to go to a group event the day we found out. I promptly dropped out giving just the bare details and they told me they were there for me when I was ready and let it be. I was also suppose to hang with another friend, whose heart is in the right place, but shes just been through a miscarriage and I think were both still trying to find our footing around each other again (we both have our sensitive moments to stuff and we're both still feeling things out around each other, its a first for both of us). I cancelled plans with her after giving her some of the details and she told me she was there if I needed it.

Which takes me to tonight. Three of my friends are celebrating their birthdays within a 48 hour period and they are all mutual friends so they wanted to celebrate together. There would be drinking and bars. I didn't really want to go, because prior to this new knowledge, I had cut myself of alcohol, most caffiene and cigarettes in hopes that this would help us conceive (well it couldn't hurt, could it?). On top of that, I was also invited to the UFC fight at our mentor couples house. I told everyone not to expect me. I didn't want to get their hopes up cause really, I'm just not in a partying mood. What actually happened? I went to watch the fight and left their early to go and at least say happy birthday to my girls. Which lead me to going to a bar with them, sober on my part, and staying out til 3.

I was scared of the emotions that come with seeing good friends who feel your pain. I didn't want to see that look on their face. You know that look. The "I love you and want to fix this but I don't know how so I'll just look at you like this" look. They started but when I told them not to, they didn't. They hugged me, a couple of tears fell and then we moved on. No one talked about, no one made me feel different. They just caught me up on what I missed so far in the evening. At one point my friend made reference to going home and getting sex from her husband. She looked at me and said, |that didn't bug you did it?" everyone stopped what they were doing, looked at me worried and then I laughed at responded "hunny, I'm having trouble conceiving naturally, I have no trouble getting laid." Everyone promptly burst into laughter and I felt a bit lighter.

My lesson for tonight:

Sometimes friends don't know what to say when bad news strikes. But if they really care about you, they will find a way to make it easier on you. They will help carry that load as much as they can, just so you don't have to bear it alone. And sometimes, this happens in the strangest of ways. Just don't turn your back on it or them.

And like the Beatles said:
"I get by with a little help from my friends..."

Love and Hugs,
K