Here is my open wound. Would you like me to hold it open so you can pour some salt in there?

I'm really starting to think that people really don't think before they act or talk.

I have someone who I communicate with online. She happily posted today that "its been a year since we decided to start trying to get pregnant and I'm about to give birth, how awesome is that?" And I instantly went from good mood to bad mood. She knows who she is writing to. She knows that at least 2 of her friends  (myself and a mutual friend) would die to have kids or hell, in my case, just be glad to get pregnant the old fashioned way. I have made no attempt to hide the fact that we have been trying for over 2.5 years to get pregnant. I've never hid the fact that I'm having difficulty with all this. I have never hid any of these facts. Instead I have to wait for my husband to get an appointment with a urologist which can take 12 months just to get the appointment. Our doctors are overworked here and seeing a specialist takes forever. They won't send us to a fertility specialist until he sees a urologist and while we are willing to travel to see a urologist if need be, they won't send the referral elsewhere until they hear from the first urologist. I think we are simply getting fucked over by the medical system in an area where infertility is a taboo subject that no one talks about.We are getting the run around cause no one wants to deal with this. I'm at the point where I'm simply going to either ask my doctor to see us together while trying to get the ball rolling or just send me a referral to the fertility specialist cause no one else on this fucking planet will.

This is so frustrating. I'm incredibly happy for her. Everyone deserves this happiness, but come on people. Think about who you are writing to and about. Its to the point that I sometimes wonder if these are posted so that they specifically jab at me. I know that is rather self centered of myself to say, but when you are in this boat, its all consuming. Your mind is always on the fact that you aren't pregnant. That you are letting your family down cause you are suppose to be providing grandchildren for them to love and spoil and its the one thing you can't do. Every time someone talks about pregnancy its a jab at you and the one thing that you feel is the ultimate in showing your femininity. It's not them, its you, its all in your head.

I constantly wonder if I'm meant to have kids. I constantly wonder if I pissed someone off or broke a mirror or did something random that is causing me to go through this. I ache everytime I hear that someone is pregnant and most of the time I feel like its me against the world. And today, those words set me off. I know she probably didn't mean it but damn that fucking hurts. It feels like, hey! lets point out that the one thing I'm missing in this world is a child and a pregnancy and we will put it everywhere just to remind you of this constant failure.

I just want to sit in a corner and cry today. I give up on today.